Intention.

in·​ten·​tion | \ in-ˈten(t)-shən

what one intends to do or bring about

Intentions…we hear the word all the time but how many of us can say we stay intentional in everything we do? I can’t and as a result, I’m left with some questions:

What’s going on? What am I really doing?

Following the tragic death of Kobe Bryant, his daughter, and the passengers on board — these questions seem to be more prevalent than ever. Personally, it has challenged me but also validated some big decisions I’ve made, specifically one in particular. 

I recently quit my job as a teacher mid-year. When I committed the next two years of my life to Teach For America, never did I think I would end up leaving the classroom and my kids before my two years were up. 

I’m someone who likes to know the “why” behind things. WHY am I doing this? WHAT does it serve? If I can’t find the why I have a hard time sticking to what I’m doing. As a result, midway through my second year teaching I ran into that problem. I was physically present at my job, doing what I had to — but this recurring thought kept coming to me, asking “WHY are you here? WHAT are we doing?” I really felt like…

Okay…here I am teaching primarily black and brown kids math to prepare for an EOG but what am I really doing to prepare these kids for life? Will my students be able to conduct themselves in a manner where they can problem solve and be independent learners? Will they be able to present themselves with confidence when it comes to getting a job? After they take that EOG, will they be able to be successful outside of the classroom?

The education system is a monster like no other. It’s clearly broken, yet everyday you have thousands of people going in trying to change and impact the minds of America’s future (y’all still don’t want to pay them what they deserve but that’s another blog…for of course another day). I first wanted to be a teacher to serve the needs of marginalized students and really be there for kids. It’s challenging to serve those greater needs with all of the pressures of teaching. You prepare lessons hoping to execute it perfectly and on pace but let’s be real we’re talking about teenagers with hormones at levels we can’t even imagine…there is no perfect in teaching. So you hope to find the balance, somewhere between really caring about the kids and making sure they know that, but also holding them to a high standard by delivering content at a rigorous level. I struggled to find that balance.

I’m still trying to find it. How do I provide support to the kids that need it while still remaining true to what I believe in? As hard as it was to walk away from my students, I know there was a reason why those feelings surfaced. I don’t know the reason yet but I know it’s there. It brings me back to WHY though. Whatever I’m doing, or you’re doing, you’ve got to have motive behind it. Life is too short to be moving through life without intention. This goes for your career, relationships, friendships, anything! Are we giving our all at our jobs? Are we treating the people in our lives with the respect and love they deserve? Questions I’m still reflecting on and hope to eventually answer with a 100% ‘yes’. 

Until then, here I am, 25-years old, working three jobs, and 3,000 miles away from home and my family trying to figure it out. There’s a lot I could be mad at. Living in Charlotte has been rough…I think back on some experiences and it just leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. I find myself thinking “I don’t have to deal with this but here I am…why?!” It’s not ideal and honestly so hard but I’m here and there’s a reason for it.

Bad things are going to happen but life is truly about how you choose to react. Wherever you are in your journey…sad, mad, or glad, I urge you to think about taking a different perspective on how you look at what’s going on in your life. We forget how much of a blessing life is…even the difficult parts of it are still blessings. Things may not be the best for you, but I guarantee they’re better than someone else’s. Make every day count!